Saturday Thoughts-Bouncing Brain Edition

Things currently irking me…
Fitted sheets that won’t stay on the bed and…
The ‘thigh gap’ trend with women.
It isn’t envy, it’s just that women are supposed to have those special curves and it’s just…discombobulating. I also never understood men into the Twiggy anorexic look. I’d be afraid of snapping their bones with a hug.
It’s just my opinion. Though I think most can agree that fitted sheets are a pain in the ass, especially if you’re a tosser and turner like me. Or unlike me, have a sex life that gives the sheet a reason to come off. Getting them back on is like playing Twister on a mat coated in cooking oil.
likewarm drinks. Water, soda, tea, booze…It all tastes gross lukewarm. I put ice in everything, but my hot cocoa. I understand this is viewed with disdain from those who prefer drinks without ice but…I gotta be me. And me does not like lukewarm drinks, gimme my ice cubes, please.
Paranoid much?
Every time I hear a lawnmower nearby, I think it’s the city or the landlord forcing a mow job on my lawn and I am gonna be hit with a bill and fines. It’s not rational because the people here are lawn mowing freaks (sans my neighbor and me, her lawn looks ten times worse than mine) BUT anxiety disorder gives zero fucks.
Scammers suck
I got a call the other day from some alleged children’s charity and they were asking for a min. $50 donation. I explained my situation and said I could chip in $5 or $10…and the fucker hung up on me. I think a legit charity would have said sorry, we have a bare minimum…not CLICK. Scammers need to be prosecuted more vigilantly, they are a scourge.
VERY underrated show in the states…
Private Eyes with Jason Priestly and Cindy Sampson.
I caught onto it long before it crossed from Canadian TV to American, but I really like it. It’s not dark, it has a light heart, and their chemistry is great.
My kid likes the new BH90210. I won’t watch it. I used to be a Melrose Place addict, but wouldn’t touch that remake with a ten foot pole, either. Some oldies but goodies should remain a good memory, not a tarnished reboot. Even if it entertains people.
I would ALMOST be okay with a reboot of NBC’s The Pretender. But without Michael T. Weiss and the others, I doubt it would have the same tenor or it would resonate as much. That show should have lasted far more than four seasons and a couple of movies. Sad. 😦
“People don’t just snap and start shooting.”
Um….TV definitely got that one wrong.
the way they refer on TV to New Orleans as a ‘small town’. We live in a small town, population 400. I grew up in a town of 144, including livestock. Think I got the small town crown on this one, TV.
Artificial intelligence freaks me out.
Sure, if I had a robot housekeeper or pets that could adapt to meet my emotional needs, that’d be peachy.
But the capabilities for it to be used for evil are just too great. And not just in the hands of the bad guys. I love my country but I honestly fear my government.
Bizarre much…
The same person has clicked the like button like ten times on the same post I put up yesterday. This makes me think a bot is stuck like a needle on a vinyl record. Bizarre. Maybe a wordpress glitch? Paranoia soaring…
Hookah bars creep me out. I’ve never been to one, just see them on TV every now and then but there is just something…weird about it. I have issues, apparently. I don’t like change or new things. And living in Podunk, a hookah bar is pretty unfamiliar territory.
One of the worst things about clinical depression is how difficult it makes such normal basic things. Like bathing, refilling ice cube trays, dishes, laundry. It all seems insurmountable and no sooner than it is done, you gotta do it again. When I am manic or stable, I can keep up. Unfortunately, bipolar 2 means 8 months a year I am anything but manic or stable so depression becomes a way of life. And those who doubt how severe depression can be are very ignorant.
And I mean the word ignorant in the true dictionary meaning of the word. Not stupid. Not a jerk. Just…uninformed. Educate yourself on the topic before passing judgments. An open mind is not a bad thing.
Anxiety is a bitch of the highest order. Just watching suspenseful shows sends my fight or flight receptors into hyperdrive. Wasn’t this extreme before the psychos at my psych center went on their benzo crackdown, the higher dose Xanax was keeping the panic attacks at bay for the most part. Now I am flying with a net full of holes and made of gossamer. Another thing people don’t understand. There’s being nervous and then there is having a disorder where the fear response is so extreme you can’t functional normally. It doesn’t just apply to things you dislike, it covers everything, normal and high stress.
Like your skeleton trying to crawl out from under your skin, 24-7.
Add to my list of shit that freaks me out,..
Facial recognition, vein mapping, ear prints…It looks very cool on TV when the good guys are trying to find the bad guys.
For people like me who value privacy and their safe spaces, it’s very intrusive. Not that Podunk region has more than the usual store and traffic cameras, but still…People who say if you have nothing to hide you nothing to fear really don’t appreciate the privilege of privacy and anonymity.
After 9/11 there was a poll or something that said $60 some odd percent of people were willing to forego privacy to feel safe from terrorists and the like. I look forward to the day this bites everyone on the ass because privacy ceases to exist even in your own home. Because it is heading there. Political disagreement, websites the powers that be disagree with, simply being related to or knowing someone ‘of interest’ puts you on the radar even if you’ve done nothing wrong.
That is going to go very very wrong at some point.
slime threshold
I have to enact this phrase when my kid has prattled on about slime ten straight minutes. Because the kid can talk about slime infinitely and um…I outgrew that stuff when I was 12 and we’d get it out of the store quarter machines and pretend it was snot coming out our noses.
Don’t judge me, I was 12 and it was funny to gross out the parents.
Fleeting boost of self esteem…
when you buy alcohol and the register asks the cashier if the customer is over 40…and the cashier asks for ID. I guess I’m holding up okay for 46.
Yeah, yeah, she was doing her job well. Let me have this one, people,
What I was saying about mental health issues mucking up every facet of your life…I’ve been famished all day, haven’t eaten a morsel since this time last night, and it’s taken me all day to decide on what to eat and proceed. And I doubt I’d have gotten this far if I didn’t have to feed my child. Lack of appetite isn’t the problem some days. It’s just inability to make a choice and carry through.
It boggles me…
the creative license TV and movies take with technology. I don’t care how great your phone/tablet/laptop are, if you’re using the damn thing for hours at a time, you’re gonna burn juice and it WILL die. Considering how mobile everyone is they’re obviously not charging them at random intervals.
Yeah, yeah, I need a life outside TV shows. At the moment, thjis is what comforts me. Sort of. I mean, I need something to rail against incessantly other than my family and mental health issues and ugh, the worst of all…politics.
Which my dad and stepmom were on about when they came to ‘help’ mow my lawn which involved them yelling at me, me doing 3/4 of the lawn, then them yelling some more at the inch wide spots I missed…They think all republicans should be in office and democrats are demons.
Their idiocy boggles the mind. Between the confederate flags everywhere in their yard and their MAGA signs, being around them is a testament to my tolerance and ability to temper my, well, temper.
Which for the record, I am totally cool being called a demoncrat. I have commitment issues so I am just as likely to vote for a Republitard if they can get the job done better. Oh, wait, republitard is offensive, isn’t? But demoncrat is only complimentary to a ghoul like me so bite me, PC police.
The internet peanut gallery is already picking on the lyrics on a new Taylor Swift song because it doesn’t accurately depict London or some shit. People need to get lives. Songs are supposed to be fun, sometimes fictional or imagined.
“Mom and dad I’m not sorry…for dismembering your bodies…”
That is a line from an old song I like. I am sincerely doubtful all the members dismembered their parents. But by all means, net trolls, jump on that band wagon, too. Nothing makes you feel better than picking on others.
And for any troll-y types who think I need to get a life…You’re not exactly wrong. But I am also raising a kid alone, battling mental health issues, struggling with money, and battling to survive every day with my kid, cats, and myself in tact. Which is why I’m not on six different social media platforms. Because…I’m busy, ya know, living a life. The net is my place to vent which is therapeutic. I don’t expect anyone to agree with me. I am just exercising my right to free speech…while it still exists.
I’m not picking on people. Because I dislike everyone equally. I am fair that way.
Deep fake videos and photos…also freaking me the fuck out. How can you trust anything you hear or see anymore?
Technology has gotten terrifying. Anyone who isn’t scared….See dictionary meaning of ignorant.


Friday Thoughts-Three Days of Swift TV Ramble

I have been binge watching season one of Manifest because I missed a bunch of episodes. I was very irked to find out season two won’t start until January. I hate when they do that shit. By the time it comes on again, I’ll have forgotten season one again. They did this same thing with Succession and Castle Rock.
They also cancelled the show Instinct after two seasons which thoroughly pisses me off. I love that show. When they fuck with my fictional world, I get mad. How about cancelling some of this shitty reality TV? But no, it goes on and on and on and on and never stops making me want to puke.
The give bye…
From a TV show to explain that awkward return of personal items after a break up. I like it.
Heartburn snooze…
I got heartburn something fierce after lunch today so I laid down to ride out the pain…And woke up at 2:22, in a panic, thinking it was Sunday and we overslept thus Spook missing church. I don’t know why I was so disoriented but me sleeping during the day, especially after being awake several hours…not normal. And I only slept 45 minutes so again, why so disoriented? IDK.
My basic instinct (cos people have been shit to me) is to hate everyone on sight til proven wrong..But Steve Cash of the youtube “Talking Kitty Cat” videos really seems likeable. IDK why.
He also has very pretty eyes.
Also like…
Rob (Dyke) Gavagan from youtube. Dude can be creepy as fuck or funny as fuck. Either way, he is on my ‘do not hate’ list. Which is a short list. Now if we were to meet…Well, I am apparently difficult so likely I am on some universal hate list. I can hang with that. Some days I don’t even wanna live with me.
A line from Taylor Swift’s song “Me” has been censored for ‘ruining spelling for everyone”. Because she said spelling is fun and the article I read says no one likes spelling so that line is being removed.
Um…I DO. I think spelling is fun. It is what I have always done well. WTF? The president can spew hatred and lies and delusions but spelling is fun is a bad message?
I expected much more from America, really.
My bad.
It’d August 22nd and per my spawn’s orders, I am parked in front of the TV for Good Morning America. I am to report to her what songs Taylor Swift performs and what she wore and was it any good. I’d say, wow, I am an awesome mom for doing this for her, but truth is…Taylor Swift has grown on me. She seems like a genuine nice person. The way she handles detractors with so much grace and strength is admirable in itself, in addition to her musical talent. “You Need To Calm Down” and its video are a thing of beauty.
“Delicate” remains my favorite song by her. I guess I am just into that dark broody vibe.
I also thought it was freaking awesome that her dad was in the crowd the night before passing out pizza for all the fans who had camped out for the show. Sounds like good people raised a good daughter. I don’t know her personally so who knows, but..She gives me good vibes.
Um…I can’t tell if that was lip synching or not. It sounded exactly like the studio version, which bothers me. Live versions should have some sort of, well, live feel. Maybe it’s just me. I have this thing about lip synching, always have. If you can’t pull it off live, then, ya know, maybe your talent just isn’t…authentic.
My internet is down again. After they allegedly fixed it. It’s gone down four times this morning and it’s not even 9 a.m. yet.
We also had another stalled train on the tracks right as the bus was coming for the kids. That shit is annoying, not to mention dangerous should anyone on this side of Armpit need an ambulance.
Hmm. Taylor did “Me” and did not scrub the ‘spelling is fun’ line. Good for you, Taylor. People who don’t like to spell are freaks.
Then again, I loathe math, so I’m a freak, too. I couldn’t even help my kid with her 5th grade math the other night because they do this common core bullshit which is six steps when it could be done in 3. Maddening.
Okay, time to return to metal as fuck.
I was given a suggestion for an article and video clip the other day with Halestorm, Motionless In White, and Alice Cooper performing “School’s Out.” Ermagod, it was frigging awesome. I’d have killed to be at a show with three of my fave metal artists. I sent the clip to my sis ASAP since she was the one who got me into MIW.
Metal. As. Fuck.
Pop up parties, stores, and yard sales.
Remember when pop ups on the internet were so annoying?
Now they’ve found a way to make pop ups a good thing IRL. Cool.
Sean Spicer on Dancing With The Stars backlash…
I find it all amusing. Also amusing is that Sarah Huckabee Sanders is now going to be a Fox news contributor. Props to the perpetually soiled pair to turn their career fails into…well, sort of careers.
Instagram hoax…
Ranks right up there with the old Facebook circulated fake posts about Dollar Tree closing and Trump forgiving deadbeat dads of owed child support. People are very gullible. Though if you read the terms of Instagram use, well, their right to use all your materials as they see fit is terrifying. Figures as it is owned by Fuckfacebook. One more reason I avoid social media like the plague.
Mind boggling…

ANYONE else who went around proclaiming themselves the second coming of Christ and ranting about being a messiah would be in a rubber room on lockdown. Yet the leader of the free world does it and…the worst that happens is uproar on the internet.
WTF is wrong with people? Ostrich syndrome. Stick their heads in the sand and pretend it’s all okay. We are so far from okay. We are in fact pretty screwed.
Oh and Jewish people who vote democrat are not ignorant or disloyal. Spouting that bullshit is one more sign of delusion.
Every time…
I see Toronto on a TV show, I am stricken by how beautiful it looks. My daughter is half Canadian due to her father being a citizen from there and she would love to visit one day. I’d love to take her but between money and passports, it sounds like a giant pain in the ass. That and I fear traveling too far from my safe space, which at this point in my mental health chaos, is about 5 minutes from home.
Another place I’ve only seen on TV that intrigues me is New Orleans. It seems so alive, so festive, so laid back. I wouldn’t be able to handle all the noise and colors and crowds, no doubt but…one day maybe. The haunted history alone would be worth it.
“She’s a hurricane, category 5 on the crazy cat lady scale.”
Guess I am hurricane Morgue category 6, cos I LOVE MY CATS. And I am sanity challenged.
I really gotta give Hollywood props for the recent influx of characters/actors involing LGBTQ issues. It’s about time they get some recognition instead of being swept under the rug like they don’t exist. Because like it or not, haters, they do exist and they have the same rights as straight people. If your religion tells you that whatever deity frowns upon the LGBTQ community, then you’re not on the side of angels. You’re just another hate monger. Any God worth their salt embraces ALL life, personal choices disregarded. Free will, born that way, all that stuff that has NOTHING to do with religion.
Oh and in the last ten or so years, they have been making badass women characters who do more than bake cookies, drive the soccer mom van, and keep the homefires burning. Nothing wrong with women who choose that life, but portraying it as the only identity women have was a great disservice to our gender.

Meth Gators, 15 Pound Rodents, And My Mental Health Manifesto

Take a Ride on My Mood Swing

Some days, there are such warped headlines lurking in your inbox, it’s like, you HAVE to click them just to see if it’s click bait or satire. Apparently, these are real stories involving, yes, meth gators, and 15 pound rodents. So yeah, Mississippi, stop flushing your drugs so we don’t have a mutant army of meth gators and hey, get these rodents on birth control so they stop mutating.

I took my kid to day camp today cos it is skating day and fried chicken leg day and she swooore she would die if I didn’t take her. The litmus test was if she was willing to give up two other activity days just to make this one and she was. So I took her. Then had to buy gas, grab a can of sauce to do our Sloppy Joe’s tonight. All the while my paranoid brain goes…

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Thursday Thoughts Of Independence Day

Word estimates…
The president’s 4th of July bash is costing at the very least 2 million dollars. Here’s a patriotic thought. How about you slash that 90% and spend the rest on ending childhood poverty or veteran care? Fireworks ain’t that expensive and tanks are not necessity. It’s just ego food.
Anyone who is proud of the current regime’s stance of imprisoning illegal immigrants should be ashamed of themselves. Seeing the photos and video makes me ashamed to be American. Humans should not be treated so poorly, especially innocent children.
And the enforces should be charged with something for their flagrant disregard for human rights and their open disdain.
Birthday party for…a pothole.
Good for this 13 year old ump…
If you’ve seen the video of the adults fighting at a little league game, you know those so called grown ups could take a lesson in maturity from this boy.
Cute kitty foot rub

Recalled fireworks
My 4th…
is ruined by the fact they closed down my favorite pizza place, it was my tradition to order from Marco’s for the 4th. Ass trash.
Best. Pizza. Ever.
We have no real plans for the holiday…
I got some chintzy legal sparklers and stuff for my kid but as for going anywhere…I don’t do crowds. I promised to take her to the county fair next week so I am saving up all my fortitude for that hellish crowd situation. Crowds are a nightmare for one with agoraphobic tendencies.
I hate crowds. I feel like I am being crushed and can’t escape.
Vanilla Pepsi…
is all the gas station had. I prefer vanilla Coke, or better, orange vanilla Coke. Hazard of living in Podunk, few choices.
I am watching a show called Buried In The Back Yard. Is this really so prevalent it needs its own show? And what’s wrong with the front yard? Oh, right, too many witnesses, plus those pesky city ordinances against legs and hands sticking up from the ground.
they did…
a post mortem autopsy. Geesh, I hope so, pre mortem autopsies are just fucking warped.
–Eye roll—
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon quickie. “Don’t worry,” he assures her, “my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.”

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!”

“No problem,” he replies, “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.” After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury. “That bitch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”
Fark headlines….
Semi-trailer truck full of ramen noodles overturns on interstate highway. Investigators say the entire load was ruined, resulting in a loss of tens of dollars to the trucking company
Maine man stumped as to why doctor cut off wrong toe

Gangs of wild chicks in Jersey terrorizing joggers, lurking in bushes – no, not that Jersey, not Snooki or Jwoww
Thief shoves hot spaghetti meal down his pants, but does not get pasta security camera

Wednesday Thoughts, Vapid Edition

Mayor Pete kinda got a vote from me on night two of the debate. Calling the pro-family detainment people religious hypocrites is dead on.
a pregnant woman got shot in the belly and lost the baby and Alabama has her up on charges for causing an abortion.
Which is it, zealots? Babies in cages or all women’s rights cease as soon as she becomes a human incubator?
Never mind, knowing that crowd, they think it is feasible to have it both ways. I don’t even want to have a battle of wits with unarmed beings.
My daughter is easy to please politically…
She just wants Trump gone and one of the female candidates in. Girl power is her thing.
I am…
gonna pay close attention and go with the candidate who is most qualified and makes the most sense.
Though it would really burn a bigoted misogynist in chief alive if he lost to a gay man, or a woman. That would be worth the price of admission.
latenight laughs
“I’ve been trying to say ‘I love you’ more often, starting this morning. I said it to my family before I left the house. And then to my barista. And then to her manager, when the barista complained that one of the customers was making her uncomfortable.” -Stephen Colbert


“According to a recent study, men on dating sites are more popular if they mention dancing or cooking. Because if there’s one thing women love, it’s a man who can lie.” -Seth Meyers


“A man and his 75-year-old mom survived being lifted out of their home during a tornado by sitting together in a bathtub. The man said the tornado didn’t traumatize him but being in a bathtub with his mother did.” -Conan O’Brien

Warped LOL
There was a poor, distraught man sitting at the bar of his local watering hole, just staring into his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble-maker walks through the door; leather biker jacket, neck-beard, tattoos and sunglasses. He sees the poor, lonely man, moping at the bar by himself and decides to have a little fun. Walking up to the bar he reaches over and grabs the guy’s glass and drinks it down in one go.

Immediately the poor man starts crying. The bully says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”

“No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears. “It’s just that this has been the worst day of my life. First, I oversleep go in late to the office. My boss losses his temper and fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I forget my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with my neighbor. So I left my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
Dumb much?
Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes
A co-worker came to work one day wearing shoes that were identical in style, only one was black and the other brown. I quietly pointed this out to him. He smiled and said, “Unusual, aren’t they? Believe it or not, I’ve got another pair just like this at home.”
I don;t care how scared you are…
There is NO excuse for leaving a newborn baby in the trash. SAFE HAVEN LAWS. Take the baby to a hospital or fire station. So many people want babies and can’t have them. If you have a ‘mistake’, give them a chance to have their forever family by leaving them in a safe haven spot. No questions asked. Just…please do that.
Attack squirrels on meth…
latenight funnies

“This week is the July 4th holiday, or as your dog calls it, PTSD Day.” -Seth Meyers


“The Fourth of July holiday is almost upon us. The original Brexit is the Fourth of July. It’s my favorite holiday. You don’t have to wrap anything, other than bacon around a hot dog.” -Jimmy Kimmel


“For the fourth time, a small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as its mayor. People were so excited; at the victory party, they kept chanting, ’28 more years! 28 more years!'” -Jimmy Fallon

Friday Farenheit Thoughts

It’s in the 90’s. Hello, summer, you bastard.

Rest in Peace, Beth Chapman aka Mrs Dog the Bounty Hunter, who lost her battle with cancer at the age of 51. My heart goes out to Dog and his family. ❤
First world problems…
I made a trip today, without my phone. It's weird how spoiled we have become. I was freaked cos what if the car broke down or they needed to reach me for my kid. I don't care about the rest of the crap on the phone, I'm weird that way.
I saw
someone in town with the same T Rex decal I have on my window. It says your stick figure family was delicious. Yay, other people nearby are as warped as me.
My daughter had to have a scoliosis X ray, I am relieved they only found a 6 degree curve so only motitoring is needed, for now.
Are humans becoming tastier? Because all these shark attacks are freaking me out and I don't live anywhere near the ocean.
Fuck you if you're too poor to pay to escape climate change.
That one gives me shades of the movie Day After Tomorrow. It was cool when the statue of liberty was frozen with computer effects. In real life, I am thinking nope.
I can't…
get into Orange Is The New Black. Or Game Of Thrones. Or Hunger Games.
It's just not my jam.
I only mention it because GoT has ended and they are STILL fucking talking about it. Let it go.
You suck, if you don't like a story about albino gators with 19 eggs that could hatch.
And THIS is why you should use an old school map…
I wonder how many people have been murdered because they used Google Maps or other GPS-y stuff. Or driven into flood water. Or hit a dead end road. Or—you get my drift.
A royal hells yeah

"I fully support whatever decision they make, but it does worry me from a parent point of view, you know, how many barriers, hateful words, persecution, all that, and discrimination that might come."

Prince William, saying he wouldn't care if his children were gay
I think…
most accepting parents do worry about the discrimination and hate spewed toward gay children. There really is no reason it should be so rampant in this day and age.
"If you like your looks so much, you should go love yourself."
I don't know who does that song but it certainly applies to certain people and I think gets the point across. Not that narcissists would get that.
People ask me why I don't play video games.
Well, if they didn't give me the sensation of seizures, I might. But with depression, I might become one of those people who pee in diapers because they can't bear to leave the game and ya know, live in reality.
Sugar Ray is releasing a new album…
Yeah, I know, WHO?
To his credit Mark McGrath at least had enough humor to partake in College Humor's If Google Was A Guy, mocking himself.
Supreme court blocked the citizenship question on the census. Good for them.

Supreme Court blocks census citizenship question for now, averting major California undercount

I googled, or tried to, best roach bait…
I got 'best roach clip' as a first suggestion. Legalized pot is really turning the population into a bunch of stoners.
I put my pants on backwards today. The joy of leggings.
Dealing with insurance companies…
ranks right up there with a root canal minus novacaine…
A car full of Irish nuns are sitting at a traffic light in down town Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them. "Hey, show us yer teets, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"
Eye roll
1st Hillbilly says: "My wife sure is stupid, she bought an air conditioner."

2nd Hillbilly says: "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says: "We ain't got no 'lectricity!"

2nd Hillbilly says: "That's nothing, my wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new-fangled warshin' machines!"

1st Hillbilly says: "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says: "'Cause we ain't got no plummin'"

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain't nuthin'! My wife is dumber than both yer wives put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin' fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what's so dumb about that?"
3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain't got no dick."
Healthy-ish edible cookie dough? Yes, please.

Whammy Lammy Ding Dong Wednesday

Yep, it’s Press Your Luck Night, so let’s celebrate with a whammy pic my daughter drew.

Orange vanilla Pepsi, vanilla Pepsi, vanilla ice cream, vanilla body spray…
I guess when that person from myspace back in the stone ages called me ‘vanilla’ they were dead on. I know it was meant as a slam, but much as I love vanilla things…Bedroom wise, I’d like to think I’m a bit of a Baskin Robbins. LOTS of flavors.
Just not chains and whips and BDSM parfait.
I have been rewired..
in my old age. A couple of military trucks were recently in town at the mini mart and one of the cammo wearing young guys called me ‘ma’am’ and I didn’t spazz. I actually felt…respected and a little flattered. Or was it turned on…Hmmm. Maybe I have a little domme in me, after all.
Naughty naught

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were alone in the lounge of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, “I know just what you’re wanting. For $5.00 I’ll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.”

The old lady looked surprised but didn’t say a word.

The old man continued, “For $10.00 I’ll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20.00, I’ll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you’ve had in 20 years.”

The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20.00 bill and holds it up.

“So you want the nice romantic evening in my room?” says the old man.

“Get serious,” she replies. “Four times in the rocking chair!”
tee hee
One day Steve’s mom was cleaning his room. In the closet, she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting to her.

She hid the magazine until his father got home.

When Steve’s father walked in the door, she irately handed the magazine to him, and said, “THIS is what I found in your son’s closet.”

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

After an uncomfortable minute of silence she finally asked him, “Well, what should we do about this?”

Dad looked at her and said, “Well I DON’T think we should spank him.”
*– The Smartest Dog –*
A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

“I can hardly believe my eyes!” he exclaimed. “That’s the smartest dog I’ve ever seen.”

“Nah, he’s not so smart,” the friend replied. “I’ve beaten him three games out of five.”
Vanilla Pepsi…
Been a few lines since I mentioned how much I like vanilla flavored stuff.
To be healthy- ish…
I did get some peach mango flavoring for my water. It has caffeine it but few calories so…healthy ish.
latenight laughs…
“Goodwill has returned almost $100,000 in cash that was mistakenly donated to them in a black duffel bag. A spokesman for Goodwill said, ‘We’re not very bright.'” -Conan O’Brien


“A study showed that every hour of TV you watch after the age of 25 shortens your life by 22 minutes. That doesn’t sound too bad to me. You’d probably watch TV with that 22 minutes anyway.” -Jimmy Kimmel


“A 94-year-old man is graduating from West Virginia University. Just imagine how awkward it’s going to be for the commencement speaker when he says, ‘You have your whole life ahead of you. Except that dude.'” -Seth Meyers
A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. She comes back with a drink and he downs it quickly. Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately.

A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying. “My goodness,” the flight attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”

“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man sobbing loudly, “I’m trying to give up drinking.”
just wrong
*– The Dead Actress –*
DAD: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself.

MOM: Oh my! Who!?

DAD: Uh, I can’t remember… I think her name was Reese something?

MOM: WITHERSPOON!!!!!???????

DAD: No, it was with a knife.
Buy that lottery ticket AFTER that divorce is final or you will pay
He ‘agreed’ to testify after being served a subpeona.
I love this current administration where they get to choose whether to cooperate even when served with a court order. Talk about entitlement.
Homeless shaming fail..
I love when the good of people shows through and the assholes are left, well, being assholes, alone.
He wanted top be a soldier when he grew up but cancer stopped that dream. Instead a plethora of military attended his funeral. He was a 5 year old.
Just cos you’re in jail doesn’t remove your human rights…

Please help me before its to(o) late.

Henry Clay Stewart, a 60-year-old man who died in a Virginia jail after trying unsuccessfully to get medical assistance for almost a month. A CNN investigation exposes preventable deaths and dangerous care that government agencies have failed to stop.